65 Dad Jokes

After my son was born I started to collect clean corny jokes or dad jokes. After I got a few I decided to start putting them here so others could enjoy them too! I like the simple short one-liner jokes myself, so I end up bypassing the stuff that is longer than one line. Now I just need my son to get a little older so I can make his eyes roll!

Update 9-22-2021: I’ve started using some of these on my son and he thinks they are so funny. He has even started telling me jokes now!

dad joke facepalm

65 dad jokes to use on your kids

In no particular order.

  1. I got this new stud finder but every time I pick it up it starts to go off.
  2. German jokes are the Wurst.
  3. When driving by a dead skunk on the road. It looks like someone ran over the Avon lady.
  4. What is a frog’s favorite electronic device? An iPad.
  5. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
  6. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
  7. Why do bees hum? Because they don’t know the words.
  8. If you are cold where do you go to become hot? To the corner because it is 90 degrees.
  9. Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
  10. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An In-Vest-Igator.
  11. Why is there a fence around a cemetery? Because people are dying to get in.
  12. What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel.
  13. How do you make an egg-roll? You push it.
  14. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
  15. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll.
  16. When is a door not a door? When it is ajar.
  17. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
  18. When a cashier asks if you want your milk in a bag. No just leave it in the jug.
  19. Did you hear that FedEx and UPS are merging? They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
  20. What do you call someone who takes care of chickens? Chicken tender.
  21. What do you get when you cross and electric eel and a sponge? A shock absorber.
  22. Did you hear about the kidnapping on the news? It is ok he woke up.
  23. What do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
  24. Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream? Sunday school.
  25. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  26. Did you hear the joke about paper? Nevermind it is tearable.
  27. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
  28. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
  29. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
  30. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
  31. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
  32. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant
  33. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  34. How did pirates collaborate before the internet? Pier to pier networking.
  35. I don’t trust stairs, they are always up to something.
  36. Why don’t crabs give to Charity? Because they are shellfish. (selfish)
  37. I am terrified of elevators. I am going to start taking “steps” to avoid them.
  38. Why is leather the best thing to sneak around in? Because it is made out of hide.
  39. What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out.
  40. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
  41. What do you call 2 bananas on the floor? A pair of slippers.
  42. What is the best way to watch a fishing tournament? Live stream.
  43. What U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda. (Minnesota)
  44. What is Iron Man without his suit? Stark Naked.
  45. Will glass coffins become popular? Remains to be seen.
  46. My favorite color is purple. I like it more than blue and red combined.
  47. How can you tell when a vampire’s sick? Because of the coffin.
  48. What’s blue and not heavy? Light blue.
  49. Never trust a train conductor. They have loco motives.
  50. Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he is not a conductor.
  51. Why doesn’t anyone ever disagree with a blacksmith? They make good points.
  52. Why don’t werewolves ever look on the bright side? Silver linings.
  53. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under thieir skin.
  54. What are the strongest days on a calendar? Saturday and Sunday. Everything else is a weekday (weak day).
  55. I gave away all my dead batteries today. Free of charge.
  56. I could not get a reservation at the library. They were fully booked.
  57. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
  58. Do you want to know where I store my dad jokes? In a dad-o-base.
  59. What do you call a broken can opener? A can’t opener.
  60. Why should you whisper in a cornfield? Because it is full of ears.
  61. Were did Noah keep the old bees? In the Ark Hives.
  62. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems. (My son told me this one.)
  63. Why didn’t the sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees. (Another one from my son.)
  64. I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards. It was spam.
  65. Do you know what the number one reason for dry skin is? Towels

That is all for now. But as I come across more dad jokes I like I will update this page and add them here! I also have a collection of shower thoughts you can check out.